more than numbers

It was just released that one third of the children in the Minneapolis school districts are either homeless or mobile. That wrecks me.

Homelessness goes deeper than the stereotypes of lazy addicts. 42% of homeless adults in our state are employed.

Minnesota has the nations third largest homeless youth population.

The numbers aren't decreasing.

We can offer supplies and donations but the best thing we can offer is the dignity of friendship.
An act of kindness coming out of the context of a relationship translates as compassion.
An act of kindness without the context of a relationship often translates as just pity.
They don't need our pity. They need compassion.

That's why we look to build relationships not just hand out supplies. That's why this is so much more than a numbers game. Each number has a face. Each face has a name and each name has a story.

Expiration Dates

When you work for a non profit you deal with allot of expiration dates. Nearly all of the food items donated to our ministry are given to us because they are dangerously flirting with their expiration date. We've learned to interpret these dates, best if used by, better if used by, sell by. We've learned how to stretch out the life of donated food by freezing it or adding it to recipe that may not call for it. Shredded carots in pasta sauce? Sure why not.



Most of the non food items we get are because no one has any use for them. Clothes that have been out grown and over stocks that won't sell. People have a knack to give us things that need "a little fixing up" or items nobody has any idea what to do with. We have to call on our creativity to figure out what to do with a case of orange colored pencils or 50 copies of the Gettysburg Address.

That theme seems to continue to resonate with the people we minister to. We reach out to the ones that may seem like they have no use or are past their sell by date. The kid whose parents told him he's no good and kicked him out of the house. The vagrant who reeks of alcohol. The girl whose christian friends shun because she doesn't believe in that stuff anymore.

We have developed a gift of revealing the value in items that may seem worthless to others. We have dedicated our lives to revealing the beauty in those the world find plain or ugly. It's all about exchanging Crowns of Beauty for Ashes. Gods love has no expiration date.

Dangerously Saved

So let me tell you a fun story from our trip to the Rainbow gathering in Florida. After two days of travel we arrived in Florida on a Friday night. We spent that night at beautiful home of a lovely couple. We had planned that the next morning we would meet at our host church and do some further prep for our entry into the woods.


So Saturday morning we all loaded in the van ready to go to the church. Ben turned the key and nothing...dead battery. We got a jump from our host family and after a few tries we were charged up and on our way. As we entered town we came to a stoplight and the van stalled. There was no juice. Stuck right there in the middle of the street. Just as our minds were about to flip into crisis mode someone noticed that there was a tow truck right behind us.

Ben jumped out and after a few quick words with the tow truck driver he hopped back in the van. "He's gonna push us." Just as Ben said that the tow truck bumped into the back of us and started picking up momentum pushing us into the intersection. Now I don't know if the tow truck operator was just so excited to help or what but he didn't wait for the light to turn green. We were pushed right into an oncoming stream of cross traffic. Ben used his awesome maneuvering skills and coasted us safely onto a side street. Dangerously saved. As we got out of the van what do you know... right across the street was an Auto Zone. We were able to just run right over and grab a new battery. We switched them out and were on our way missing barely any time at all.

This whole thing made me think of how sometimes in life when we break down and need a little push God often just seems to throw us into on coming traffic. But God uses that traffic to steer us to where we need to be. Dangerously saving us.

Crooked Lines

One of my favorite quotes is a Spanish proverb that translates, "God writes straight with crooked lines." It is very humbling. I have very little clue what I am doing but I know God is working through me. He is using me for what he made me for. Last night I was able to speak to a college group about Father Wounds. I shared my poem called Dad and the main speaker worked through the steps of forgiveness and healing. It was an amazing night and I was used as a key part of kids working through some issues and beginning healing.

When we were in the woods I wrestled with two brothers Jacob and JT. I ended up breaking JT's nose and held Jacob down while I told him the story of the 3 bears. The thing is these guys are rough and tumble men's men. I was able to connect and minister to them deeper through grappling than any other way. I gained respect and friendship. That friendship was built on. I was able to encourage JT through speaking into his current life situation and praying for his nose :) Jacob ended up leaving the woods and coming home with us to live in the Joshua House. He was baptized in the ocean on our last day in FL. Later that night as we gathered for prayer, Jacob prayed thanking God for me his new "Big Brother" who is allot like he wished his real big brother was. That blew me away. I felt so honored.

On the Sunday before we left the FL we held the morning service. I shared my poem on Vision. It's my wish for the church to see outreach as a lifestyle rather than just a program. After the service I was able to pray for a few young men of the church. Several people came up to me thanking me for sharing. One guy told me that I basically captured everything he had been feeling for years and put it in a package. Another guy told me that his sister and brother in law were in church for the first time in a long while. He said they were both skeptical and bitter towards the church in general but were moved by the service and what I had shared and they told him they would be back next Sunday. Recently I received an email from a woman down at that church who said people were still talking about my poem the following Sunday. She said God would being using my words in ways that I wouldn't even know.

I don't write these things to toot my horn or boast of myself. In fact as I recall these incidents I am extremely humbled. I can't believe God could use a mess like me to touch peoples lives. I write these accounts as a reminder to me. Sometimes when things get tough I regret being delivered and I long for the safety of slavery in Egypt. When I look back on the way God has worked through me it encourages me to keep seeking him and allowing his spirit to produce much fruit in and through my life. My biggest wish is that my story is a testament to the fact that God's love can change anybody and that He can use us all in ways we never even imagined.

Out of the Woods

We're back... and very very cold. Ocala 75 and sunny. Minneapolis -25 and frozen. What a great time. We really saw God move in many remarkable ways. I encourage you to check out the trip updates posted on our web site by using the link on this page. For me the overwhelming theme of the trip was "Get ready for '09!" God started off our year with a series of miraculous stories and I believe he has a whole lot more in store for the rest of the year.

The trip was a concentrated model of living out our mission"Being a friend and a voice." As we became friends with those living in the woods and they saw us living out our faith they were open to heart to heart conversations. Many either received or joined in times of prayer.

There are many stories to share. I will post a couple here. There will be a recap and sharing night at the Fallout on 1/31/09 at the Fallout during our community night. Thank you so much for your prayers. Please continue to pray as we forge forward in this new year.

Headed to Ocala

A big part of our Outreach at SOURCE is attending gatherings and festivals. We will be taking a group of 12 down to a Rainbow Gathering at the National Forrest in Ocala Florida. We will host a kitchen and a 24 hour prayer tent. We look to start conversations and make friends. There will be many homeless youth at Ocala and our hope is to reach out to them and grow relationships. Lots of these kids are travelers and will make their way to or through Minneapolis in the summer.

Our goal is to speak God's love in to the lives of the hurt and lonely that have gathered in the woods. The majority of them would never set foot in a church and have a harsh view of who Christians are. We will spend a week in the woods with them celebrating, making music, sharing meals and stories. Our prayer tent is open 24 hours a day and we will have opportunity to pray for and with our new friends.

We will be gone Jan. 1-16. Keep us in your prayers as we look to serve the people at this gathering. We hope to return with stories of new friendships and miraculous examples of God's love.

Outreach

I have been asked to take the position of Outreach Director with SOURCE and am honored by the offer. I am excited with the growth I am seeing in our Homeless Youth program, people are interested and want to be involved. SOURCE is so creative in its modes of outreach and I feel like its a great fit for me.
The thing that excites me most though is watching the growth in individuals as they participate in outreach. Often times we come away just as blessed if not more than those we've ministered to.
I am so blessed to take on a position of heading up our Outreach programs. My desire is for those that come to volunteer down here go back home realizing that true outreach is way more than just a program. Outreach is a 24/7 call to the christian. More than just meeting the physical needs of others.
I rejoice when I see how the church is realizing the true depths of the power of prayer. They are moving towards it and hunger for it. They are praying more, longer deeper and stronger. They are calling out to God in beautiful amazing ways.
I believe that as the church is awakened to the concept of true prayer that their ideas of outreach will be flipped outside down and upside out. God is moving and I am so glad to be a part of it.

My Story

I remember the day my identity was destroyed. I was only 5. I had never known my father and up to that point I thought it was normal. My parents weren't divorced, my Dad didn't die, I wasn't adopted. I just didn't have a Dad. These older kids were intent on convincing me that I had to have a Dad somewhere. I remember vividly going into my Mom's room and asking her, "Mom, Why don't I have a dad?". She explained to me how she had met my Dad and got pregnant. Shortly after I was born she found out that he was already married. He stayed with his existing family and left my mother to raise me alone. At the age of 5 my walls fell down and a hole was revealed. That hole was deepened by unsatisfied questions, feelings of abandonment and a sense of shame.

As I grew so did my hole. My youth was filled with episodes of acting out. Unfortunately these incidents were never recognized as a lost boy looking for an identity. Instead I was seen as an unruly child who needed to be reformed.

The stress of being the single mother of a misbehaving child led my mom to abuse me, I don't think she realized at the time the damage she was doing, I really learned to hate myself.
Abuse enlarged the hole inside of me. The pain grew and gave way to rage. My acting out became more frequent and severe. At the age of 14 in an act of desperation my Mom sent me off to a Christian boarding school.

I learned how to fill my hole with religion. I built my identity around Christianity. But because my hole was still there my Faith became primarily about filling that hole. Going to church, studying the Bible and sharing my faith were all an attempt to keep that void filled and claim an identity.

As a young adult I experienced the heart break of unrequited love. Even though this is a normal part of growing up, for me it was devastating. It ignited all the feelings of abandonment, insecurity, unfairness and inadequacy of my past. The faith I knew wasn't strong enough to extinguish this pain.

I left my faith and looked for ways to quench the sting. Acting out now as a bitterly hurt young adult. I began dating a girl and soon she became pregnant with my son. This became a wake up call to begin to "do the right thing".

My girlfriend and our son moved in with me and after 3 years together we got married. I was beginning to rebuild my identity as a great father, a good husband, a proud Agnostic and a strong Anti-Christian. But my hole was still there and would manifest itself in fights with my wife.

We had another son and found a house. After bouncing around jobs I found one I excelled at as the manager of a toy store at the Mall of America. The store was on a downward trend and I was able to turn it around. I received accolades from my supervisors and was on the fast track to a lucrative promotion. Life was good, and I was so proud when I learned my wife and I would soon be having a third son.

Then it happened. They closed my store. They gave me fair warning and a decent severance package but still everything I had worked so hard for and earned was lost through circumstances beyond my control. I slipped into a serious depression my identity was questionable. My pregnant wife was forced to work two jobs to hold us together. The combination of her stress and my depression built an emotional wall between us.

I found a good paying job that I was hesitant to take because it would require me to leave to spend a month in Chicago right around the day Becky was due.I did take the job and began rebuilding my identity as a great employee and excellent manager. At home it was harder, I had a hole and now a wall to overcome. More often than not I would give into my frustration and just end up fighting with my wife.

I fell into the trap so many do. I met someone who nursed my bruised ego with attention and flattery. I recognized this as wrong and didn't wish to have an affair however I was enthralled with this new connection and her ability to seemingly fill a large part of my hole. She was also married so I told her it was all or nothing. We couldn't continue our friendship because we both knew where it was headed, unless we were willing to leave our marriages and be with each other. We decided it was worth being together.

I went home, placed my wedding ring in the hand of my wife and told her I was leaving her. I don't remember much of that night. I think I've blocked allot of it out because it was one of the most shameful things I've ever done.

The woman I was willing to leave my family for had second thoughts and told me she couldn't go through with it. This sent me plummeting into the depths of my hole.

I returned to my wife and amazingly she took me back. She was willing to work on our relationship in order to preserve our marriage. I on the other hand was so messed up that I didn't know how I could rebuild our relationship when the hole in my life had become a bottomless chasm. I was caught in a thick spiraling fog of pain, guilt and confusion.
In the midst of this fog I met another girl who lavished me with attention. This time I barely fought it at all.

To me my marriage was beyond repair and I dove into the immediate gratification this new person was willing to offer. We had an affair in every sense of the word. I barely tried to hide this from my wife. When she found out, I left and moved in with this girl. I had a new identity, cheater, adulterer, quitter, coward, and failure. I had become my hole. Acting out now as a complete jerk. Things turned violent with my new mate and I added abuser to my identity. I was a monster.

I felt as though I had killed any redeemable qualities I may had possessed. I assessed myself...I am a monster. To me there was only one sure way to end the destructive cycle my life had become. I wrote the note. I hung the rope. I climbed the ladder. And I prayed.
There in the middle of my desperation, after ruining my life and hurting everyone close to me, right there on the top of the ladder at the end of my rope, I felt it... the love of God for his prodigal son.

God's Love. Not his anger or disappointment, his love. That blew me away! I had become unforgivable, unchangeable and completely unlovable.Yet there he was screaming at the top of his lungs "I Love You!"

That love brought me down off that ladder. It's that love I've experienced in the patience, encouragement, availability and vulnerability of a few close friends.

This past year has been one of redemption and healing. I am done with my attempts to fill the hole. God's love is healing it. He is also renewing my identity. I know who I am.

I am Jeremy... Jer, loving father, creative artist, caring friend. Warrior Poet, a voice for the broken, a crooked line used to draw a straight path. A comic relief, A serious threat,... A grateful Son.

That is my story up to this point and its just gettin' good... stay tuned.

Holes

I heard a guy give some advice to a large group of young adults. He said before you even think of getting married deal with your hole. If you don't deal with your issues before you enter a relationship you will naturally look for your mate to fill that hole. When that person fails to fill that void the realationship "fails" and you move on looking for that next person to fill the hole. I can attest to that. My own unresolved issues aided in the chaos that led to my divorce.

I believe everyone is born with a hole, a void. Proper parenting and a healthy environment can nurture this void but abuse and abandonment deepens the hole. The deeper the hole the larger the panic to fill it.

That hole in your heart was not meant to be filled it was meant to be healed. You can dump dope, booze, a career, a relationship even religion into that hole but filling is temporary. Without proper healing that hole will grow.

My prayer is that as we reach out to the hurting that we don't look to just fill their holes with religion but to introduce them to the healing love of God. My goal is to help these young men to turn from what they once used to fill their holes and begin to truly heal.

We Need Blankets

You can throw a buck at homeless man or you can stop and listen and learn. Learn his name, Saint. Let go of the fear and meet the person behind the cardboard sign. Meet his family, a Lab/Pit named Sheba, a Siberian Husky named King and their pup Dessa. Take time to hear his stories. Become his friend.

We are making new friends at Source. Fridays and Tuesdays we go to where the homeless fly their signs and we look to make friends. Friends like Saint, Willie, Cody, and Anger. We invite them for a meal Friday nights at the Fallout and are able to give them the few things we have to help their immediate needs.

We need more blankets, hats, gloves, socks and coats. If you have anything to donate or would like to help in our efforts to accumulate these supplies please contact Source. There's a link to our site on this page.

Spiritual Warfare

When I was in High School I read Frank Peretti's "This Present Darkness" and was totally into the whole unseen forces thing. I always pictured the evil demons with their crude weaponry hacking and slashing at the angelic force shielding a believer. I have learned that the enemy is allot more covert and slick than we realize. Not only does he come on strong with full fledged attacks but he sneaks in undercover. His greatest weapon is little whispered lies. Tiny untruths that shift our focus. We are so quick to turn away from blatant outrageous lies but it's the little falsehoods based on truth that get us.

He preys on uncertainty and insecurity offering false hopes that only suffice for a while. Here in the city its easy to see the effects on those who have bought into the false hopes. Sure the enemy seeks to kill and destroy but not always in a boisterous onslaught. More often it's through a gentle misleading. We are in the midst of battle here at Source. We serve as a spiritual M*A*S*H* unit offering healing to the hurt and broken. We are also on the front lines shining the light of truth. Please pray for us specifically for our out reaches to Homeless Youth and our Transitional Housing. We pose a serious threat to the enemy's ideas and don't expect him to stand idly by.

Dad

Wednesday night is community meal and men's Bible study at the Joshua House. The Joshua House is our Transitional housing unit here at Source. I currently live right next door. We discussed edification, encouraging one another. At one point Gary, our Transitional House Director asked how many of us had fathers who taught us how to be good husbands and dads. Not a single young man currently in our program could raise their hand and only a few the program leaders were able to answer yes. It is so tough for a young man to grow up making right decisions without the positive involvement of his father.

I believe that having never known my own Dad helps me relate to these guys. I feel their pain and frustration. I know first hand all the emotional damage that comes from being abandoned by your father. I have spent most of my life working through that pain and now am able to help those experiencing the same issues.

I wrote a poem to my Dad and recited it at our Open Mic nite tonight at the Fallout, later a guy I never met came up to me and told me how much it touched him. I am so glad when I am able to use my talents to reach out to people.
This is the poem,

Dad

Dad, I just want to thank you for everything you've given me,

This absolute absence of any identity

And all the endless opportunities

That are found in growing up not knowing what a father is.

This overwhelming rage that's grown out of loneliness,

Dad, how can I ever thank you

For teaching me to question my own value

As I wonder what was ever so wrong with me,

To make you wanna leave my mom and me?

Do you know when you chose to go you left a Dad sized hole

inside of me?

In place of a father's love you left the disaster of abandonment

and the memory of what was said to me the day I learned what the word bastard meant.

Dad, thanks for all the wonderful gifts you've given me to play with,

Like bitterness, insecurity and hatred.

Are you OK with it?

I mean does it even bother you that you're the father I never knew.

Its true at times I wonder how different things might be

If I had a dad who was there for me,

Willing to share with me a sense of clarity,

Willing to take the time to actually prepare me for life...

And what it means to be a man.

I needed you beside me to guide me but you turned your back and ran.

Damn.

But you know Dad, it's OK 'cause today I can say it was worth it.

Cause Dad in your absence you left me a chance to learn how to forgive someone

Who really doesn't deserve it.

And that forgiveness helped heal the emptiness that came from never knowing where you were.

Forgiveness turned my bitterness into strength and character.

Having never known a dad of my own

Makes me want to try that much harder to be a good father.

And for that Dad,

I thank you.

Who,What,When,Where and Why?

The Who is me, Jeremy David Holm. My close friends call me Jer. If you're not too familiar with who I am you can check out my profile or my Face Book page or call me up and we'll go out for coffee... see if you knew me well you would know I HATE coffee, hot apple cider does the trick though.

The What is Source. For in depth details, follow the link to the site but here's the nutshell; We are a Faith Based, Urban Centered, Creative Outreach. We are here to be a friend and a voice to the at risk and alienated, the lost and lonely. We sell ourselves as an out reach to youth and young adults but look for opportunities to serve anyone in need. We stand at the crossroads of community and culture providing resources and friendship to those who would never turn to the church for answers.

The When, for me is now. I was introduced to Source about a year ago. I quickly became part of the Family and now know it's time to become part of the Staff.

Where? Well we're smack in the middle of one of the most diverse areas in the world, The Whittier Neighborhood in South Minneapolis. Our buildings are the Fallout, The Co-Op, and the Joshua House spread out in a 3 block stretch down 26th.

Why... Why would I leave the security of a well paying job and attempt full time ministry? I will use this blog space to expound upon the whys and share with you more of the whats but for now let me ditto the words of a fellow Sourcer and say, "After everything I've seen and all I've been through I'd be a fool not to be doing what I am doing. "