My Story

I remember the day my identity was destroyed. I was only 5. I had never known my father and up to that point I thought it was normal. My parents weren't divorced, my Dad didn't die, I wasn't adopted. I just didn't have a Dad. These older kids were intent on convincing me that I had to have a Dad somewhere. I remember vividly going into my Mom's room and asking her, "Mom, Why don't I have a dad?". She explained to me how she had met my Dad and got pregnant. Shortly after I was born she found out that he was already married. He stayed with his existing family and left my mother to raise me alone. At the age of 5 my walls fell down and a hole was revealed. That hole was deepened by unsatisfied questions, feelings of abandonment and a sense of shame.

As I grew so did my hole. My youth was filled with episodes of acting out. Unfortunately these incidents were never recognized as a lost boy looking for an identity. Instead I was seen as an unruly child who needed to be reformed.

The stress of being the single mother of a misbehaving child led my mom to abuse me, I don't think she realized at the time the damage she was doing, I really learned to hate myself.
Abuse enlarged the hole inside of me. The pain grew and gave way to rage. My acting out became more frequent and severe. At the age of 14 in an act of desperation my Mom sent me off to a Christian boarding school.

I learned how to fill my hole with religion. I built my identity around Christianity. But because my hole was still there my Faith became primarily about filling that hole. Going to church, studying the Bible and sharing my faith were all an attempt to keep that void filled and claim an identity.

As a young adult I experienced the heart break of unrequited love. Even though this is a normal part of growing up, for me it was devastating. It ignited all the feelings of abandonment, insecurity, unfairness and inadequacy of my past. The faith I knew wasn't strong enough to extinguish this pain.

I left my faith and looked for ways to quench the sting. Acting out now as a bitterly hurt young adult. I began dating a girl and soon she became pregnant with my son. This became a wake up call to begin to "do the right thing".

My girlfriend and our son moved in with me and after 3 years together we got married. I was beginning to rebuild my identity as a great father, a good husband, a proud Agnostic and a strong Anti-Christian. But my hole was still there and would manifest itself in fights with my wife.

We had another son and found a house. After bouncing around jobs I found one I excelled at as the manager of a toy store at the Mall of America. The store was on a downward trend and I was able to turn it around. I received accolades from my supervisors and was on the fast track to a lucrative promotion. Life was good, and I was so proud when I learned my wife and I would soon be having a third son.

Then it happened. They closed my store. They gave me fair warning and a decent severance package but still everything I had worked so hard for and earned was lost through circumstances beyond my control. I slipped into a serious depression my identity was questionable. My pregnant wife was forced to work two jobs to hold us together. The combination of her stress and my depression built an emotional wall between us.

I found a good paying job that I was hesitant to take because it would require me to leave to spend a month in Chicago right around the day Becky was due.I did take the job and began rebuilding my identity as a great employee and excellent manager. At home it was harder, I had a hole and now a wall to overcome. More often than not I would give into my frustration and just end up fighting with my wife.

I fell into the trap so many do. I met someone who nursed my bruised ego with attention and flattery. I recognized this as wrong and didn't wish to have an affair however I was enthralled with this new connection and her ability to seemingly fill a large part of my hole. She was also married so I told her it was all or nothing. We couldn't continue our friendship because we both knew where it was headed, unless we were willing to leave our marriages and be with each other. We decided it was worth being together.

I went home, placed my wedding ring in the hand of my wife and told her I was leaving her. I don't remember much of that night. I think I've blocked allot of it out because it was one of the most shameful things I've ever done.

The woman I was willing to leave my family for had second thoughts and told me she couldn't go through with it. This sent me plummeting into the depths of my hole.

I returned to my wife and amazingly she took me back. She was willing to work on our relationship in order to preserve our marriage. I on the other hand was so messed up that I didn't know how I could rebuild our relationship when the hole in my life had become a bottomless chasm. I was caught in a thick spiraling fog of pain, guilt and confusion.
In the midst of this fog I met another girl who lavished me with attention. This time I barely fought it at all.

To me my marriage was beyond repair and I dove into the immediate gratification this new person was willing to offer. We had an affair in every sense of the word. I barely tried to hide this from my wife. When she found out, I left and moved in with this girl. I had a new identity, cheater, adulterer, quitter, coward, and failure. I had become my hole. Acting out now as a complete jerk. Things turned violent with my new mate and I added abuser to my identity. I was a monster.

I felt as though I had killed any redeemable qualities I may had possessed. I assessed myself...I am a monster. To me there was only one sure way to end the destructive cycle my life had become. I wrote the note. I hung the rope. I climbed the ladder. And I prayed.
There in the middle of my desperation, after ruining my life and hurting everyone close to me, right there on the top of the ladder at the end of my rope, I felt it... the love of God for his prodigal son.

God's Love. Not his anger or disappointment, his love. That blew me away! I had become unforgivable, unchangeable and completely unlovable.Yet there he was screaming at the top of his lungs "I Love You!"

That love brought me down off that ladder. It's that love I've experienced in the patience, encouragement, availability and vulnerability of a few close friends.

This past year has been one of redemption and healing. I am done with my attempts to fill the hole. God's love is healing it. He is also renewing my identity. I know who I am.

I am Jeremy... Jer, loving father, creative artist, caring friend. Warrior Poet, a voice for the broken, a crooked line used to draw a straight path. A comic relief, A serious threat,... A grateful Son.

That is my story up to this point and its just gettin' good... stay tuned.

Holes

I heard a guy give some advice to a large group of young adults. He said before you even think of getting married deal with your hole. If you don't deal with your issues before you enter a relationship you will naturally look for your mate to fill that hole. When that person fails to fill that void the realationship "fails" and you move on looking for that next person to fill the hole. I can attest to that. My own unresolved issues aided in the chaos that led to my divorce.

I believe everyone is born with a hole, a void. Proper parenting and a healthy environment can nurture this void but abuse and abandonment deepens the hole. The deeper the hole the larger the panic to fill it.

That hole in your heart was not meant to be filled it was meant to be healed. You can dump dope, booze, a career, a relationship even religion into that hole but filling is temporary. Without proper healing that hole will grow.

My prayer is that as we reach out to the hurting that we don't look to just fill their holes with religion but to introduce them to the healing love of God. My goal is to help these young men to turn from what they once used to fill their holes and begin to truly heal.

We Need Blankets

You can throw a buck at homeless man or you can stop and listen and learn. Learn his name, Saint. Let go of the fear and meet the person behind the cardboard sign. Meet his family, a Lab/Pit named Sheba, a Siberian Husky named King and their pup Dessa. Take time to hear his stories. Become his friend.

We are making new friends at Source. Fridays and Tuesdays we go to where the homeless fly their signs and we look to make friends. Friends like Saint, Willie, Cody, and Anger. We invite them for a meal Friday nights at the Fallout and are able to give them the few things we have to help their immediate needs.

We need more blankets, hats, gloves, socks and coats. If you have anything to donate or would like to help in our efforts to accumulate these supplies please contact Source. There's a link to our site on this page.

Spiritual Warfare

When I was in High School I read Frank Peretti's "This Present Darkness" and was totally into the whole unseen forces thing. I always pictured the evil demons with their crude weaponry hacking and slashing at the angelic force shielding a believer. I have learned that the enemy is allot more covert and slick than we realize. Not only does he come on strong with full fledged attacks but he sneaks in undercover. His greatest weapon is little whispered lies. Tiny untruths that shift our focus. We are so quick to turn away from blatant outrageous lies but it's the little falsehoods based on truth that get us.

He preys on uncertainty and insecurity offering false hopes that only suffice for a while. Here in the city its easy to see the effects on those who have bought into the false hopes. Sure the enemy seeks to kill and destroy but not always in a boisterous onslaught. More often it's through a gentle misleading. We are in the midst of battle here at Source. We serve as a spiritual M*A*S*H* unit offering healing to the hurt and broken. We are also on the front lines shining the light of truth. Please pray for us specifically for our out reaches to Homeless Youth and our Transitional Housing. We pose a serious threat to the enemy's ideas and don't expect him to stand idly by.

Dad

Wednesday night is community meal and men's Bible study at the Joshua House. The Joshua House is our Transitional housing unit here at Source. I currently live right next door. We discussed edification, encouraging one another. At one point Gary, our Transitional House Director asked how many of us had fathers who taught us how to be good husbands and dads. Not a single young man currently in our program could raise their hand and only a few the program leaders were able to answer yes. It is so tough for a young man to grow up making right decisions without the positive involvement of his father.

I believe that having never known my own Dad helps me relate to these guys. I feel their pain and frustration. I know first hand all the emotional damage that comes from being abandoned by your father. I have spent most of my life working through that pain and now am able to help those experiencing the same issues.

I wrote a poem to my Dad and recited it at our Open Mic nite tonight at the Fallout, later a guy I never met came up to me and told me how much it touched him. I am so glad when I am able to use my talents to reach out to people.
This is the poem,

Dad

Dad, I just want to thank you for everything you've given me,

This absolute absence of any identity

And all the endless opportunities

That are found in growing up not knowing what a father is.

This overwhelming rage that's grown out of loneliness,

Dad, how can I ever thank you

For teaching me to question my own value

As I wonder what was ever so wrong with me,

To make you wanna leave my mom and me?

Do you know when you chose to go you left a Dad sized hole

inside of me?

In place of a father's love you left the disaster of abandonment

and the memory of what was said to me the day I learned what the word bastard meant.

Dad, thanks for all the wonderful gifts you've given me to play with,

Like bitterness, insecurity and hatred.

Are you OK with it?

I mean does it even bother you that you're the father I never knew.

Its true at times I wonder how different things might be

If I had a dad who was there for me,

Willing to share with me a sense of clarity,

Willing to take the time to actually prepare me for life...

And what it means to be a man.

I needed you beside me to guide me but you turned your back and ran.

Damn.

But you know Dad, it's OK 'cause today I can say it was worth it.

Cause Dad in your absence you left me a chance to learn how to forgive someone

Who really doesn't deserve it.

And that forgiveness helped heal the emptiness that came from never knowing where you were.

Forgiveness turned my bitterness into strength and character.

Having never known a dad of my own

Makes me want to try that much harder to be a good father.

And for that Dad,

I thank you.