My Story

I remember the day my identity was destroyed. I was only 5. I had never known my father and up to that point I thought it was normal. My parents weren't divorced, my Dad didn't die, I wasn't adopted. I just didn't have a Dad. These older kids were intent on convincing me that I had to have a Dad somewhere. I remember vividly going into my Mom's room and asking her, "Mom, Why don't I have a dad?". She explained to me how she had met my Dad and got pregnant. Shortly after I was born she found out that he was already married. He stayed with his existing family and left my mother to raise me alone. At the age of 5 my walls fell down and a hole was revealed. That hole was deepened by unsatisfied questions, feelings of abandonment and a sense of shame.

As I grew so did my hole. My youth was filled with episodes of acting out. Unfortunately these incidents were never recognized as a lost boy looking for an identity. Instead I was seen as an unruly child who needed to be reformed.

The stress of being the single mother of a misbehaving child led my mom to abuse me, I don't think she realized at the time the damage she was doing, I really learned to hate myself.
Abuse enlarged the hole inside of me. The pain grew and gave way to rage. My acting out became more frequent and severe. At the age of 14 in an act of desperation my Mom sent me off to a Christian boarding school.

I learned how to fill my hole with religion. I built my identity around Christianity. But because my hole was still there my Faith became primarily about filling that hole. Going to church, studying the Bible and sharing my faith were all an attempt to keep that void filled and claim an identity.

As a young adult I experienced the heart break of unrequited love. Even though this is a normal part of growing up, for me it was devastating. It ignited all the feelings of abandonment, insecurity, unfairness and inadequacy of my past. The faith I knew wasn't strong enough to extinguish this pain.

I left my faith and looked for ways to quench the sting. Acting out now as a bitterly hurt young adult. I began dating a girl and soon she became pregnant with my son. This became a wake up call to begin to "do the right thing".

My girlfriend and our son moved in with me and after 3 years together we got married. I was beginning to rebuild my identity as a great father, a good husband, a proud Agnostic and a strong Anti-Christian. But my hole was still there and would manifest itself in fights with my wife.

We had another son and found a house. After bouncing around jobs I found one I excelled at as the manager of a toy store at the Mall of America. The store was on a downward trend and I was able to turn it around. I received accolades from my supervisors and was on the fast track to a lucrative promotion. Life was good, and I was so proud when I learned my wife and I would soon be having a third son.

Then it happened. They closed my store. They gave me fair warning and a decent severance package but still everything I had worked so hard for and earned was lost through circumstances beyond my control. I slipped into a serious depression my identity was questionable. My pregnant wife was forced to work two jobs to hold us together. The combination of her stress and my depression built an emotional wall between us.

I found a good paying job that I was hesitant to take because it would require me to leave to spend a month in Chicago right around the day Becky was due.I did take the job and began rebuilding my identity as a great employee and excellent manager. At home it was harder, I had a hole and now a wall to overcome. More often than not I would give into my frustration and just end up fighting with my wife.

I fell into the trap so many do. I met someone who nursed my bruised ego with attention and flattery. I recognized this as wrong and didn't wish to have an affair however I was enthralled with this new connection and her ability to seemingly fill a large part of my hole. She was also married so I told her it was all or nothing. We couldn't continue our friendship because we both knew where it was headed, unless we were willing to leave our marriages and be with each other. We decided it was worth being together.

I went home, placed my wedding ring in the hand of my wife and told her I was leaving her. I don't remember much of that night. I think I've blocked allot of it out because it was one of the most shameful things I've ever done.

The woman I was willing to leave my family for had second thoughts and told me she couldn't go through with it. This sent me plummeting into the depths of my hole.

I returned to my wife and amazingly she took me back. She was willing to work on our relationship in order to preserve our marriage. I on the other hand was so messed up that I didn't know how I could rebuild our relationship when the hole in my life had become a bottomless chasm. I was caught in a thick spiraling fog of pain, guilt and confusion.
In the midst of this fog I met another girl who lavished me with attention. This time I barely fought it at all.

To me my marriage was beyond repair and I dove into the immediate gratification this new person was willing to offer. We had an affair in every sense of the word. I barely tried to hide this from my wife. When she found out, I left and moved in with this girl. I had a new identity, cheater, adulterer, quitter, coward, and failure. I had become my hole. Acting out now as a complete jerk. Things turned violent with my new mate and I added abuser to my identity. I was a monster.

I felt as though I had killed any redeemable qualities I may had possessed. I assessed myself...I am a monster. To me there was only one sure way to end the destructive cycle my life had become. I wrote the note. I hung the rope. I climbed the ladder. And I prayed.
There in the middle of my desperation, after ruining my life and hurting everyone close to me, right there on the top of the ladder at the end of my rope, I felt it... the love of God for his prodigal son.

God's Love. Not his anger or disappointment, his love. That blew me away! I had become unforgivable, unchangeable and completely unlovable.Yet there he was screaming at the top of his lungs "I Love You!"

That love brought me down off that ladder. It's that love I've experienced in the patience, encouragement, availability and vulnerability of a few close friends.

This past year has been one of redemption and healing. I am done with my attempts to fill the hole. God's love is healing it. He is also renewing my identity. I know who I am.

I am Jeremy... Jer, loving father, creative artist, caring friend. Warrior Poet, a voice for the broken, a crooked line used to draw a straight path. A comic relief, A serious threat,... A grateful Son.

That is my story up to this point and its just gettin' good... stay tuned.